Little did I realize how much this very topic remains a constant source of friction for thousands of my Great Sexpectations readers. So, is cyber sex cheating? Yes and no. Well, maybe. It depends. After pouring over countless emails on this subject, I've come to the conclusion that there is no true answer. Cheating is in the mind of the individual couple. For every emphatic letter stating, "Yes, it's definitely cheating," I received another one disputing the quandary. Yet still, just as many said it depends on the situation and how each couple define "cheating". Such is life. Just when you want a concrete, black-and-white answer, you realize everything is gray. We'll try to make sense of it anyway.

For starters, there are a couple rules of thumb we should continually employ. Are you doing something you wouldn't want your partner to know about, keeping your cyber lover a secret, or engaging in activity you would hesitate to do in front of your real-life beloved? Generally speaking, if any of those apply, the action could either be considered cheating or at least damaging to your relationship. If you don't want your partner to know about your online attractions, then you should rethink your actions. What perspective does your partner have about cyber sex? In effect, the non-participating mate is the deciding factor. If he or she feels betrayed, then there's the answer.

There are several red flags to consider. Is there an emotional attachment to your cyber "friend?" For instance, do you look forward to "speaking" with this one person? If so, you may want to analyze your true intentions - is the cyber communication a replacement for what you feel you are missing from your real partner? Many online aficionados have admitted to participating in this activity because their sex life has fallen short of their expectations. Finally, is your online relationship taking time away from your beloved? If so, decide now who is your priority.

Each subscriber proclaiming cyber sex as the new cheating method provided reasons to support their opinions. To begin with, many subscribers described the fundamental difference between cyber sex and pornographic movies and magazines. While there is little chance the fantasizer may actually meet one of the pin-up models, cyber sex involves two people having a real-life "conversation". There is an actual person on the other end of the computer line. As one subscriber pointed out, emotional bonds are easily created after sharing this type of experience with someone. With the introduction of more conventional topics, the person becomes even more human. This new-found connection can be damaging to a partner's self-esteem. Several subscribers vented their frustrations to me. Many felt betrayed, belittled, less desirable, unattractive, and even replaced when their partner engaged in cyber sex. One writer eloquently stated her pain: "It hurts when the spouse will go to such lengths instead of making love with the one they are married to." Thus, it can also make the non-participating partner doubt his/her performance as a lover.

To some, cyber sex creates the same feeling of emotional betrayal that physical cheating does, and "Afer all," said one subscriber, "90% of sex is in the brain." Some people also believed that "if he(/she) truly loves and respects you, then he won't consider fantasizing about others." While I want to give a voice to all opinions, Carmen maintains that simple fantasies are healthy if left just as fantasies.

Like I stated, there were just as many defenses for cyber sex. Many readers emphatically exclaim that if the only intention is to experience an orgasm, then it's not cheating. Many agreed with the author of the original cyber sex letter (in reader comments) that this practice is no different than looking at pornography. In fact, one subscriber said the more jealous his/her partner becomes of the acitivity, the more likely he/she will be pushed away. Similarly, some said that if there is existing trust and support, then no reason exists to follow through with actual intercourse. To numerous subscribers, cyber sex is literally a safe way to relieve sexual tension when his/her partner is not present and is just a fantasy. Many maintain that they would never carry out the imaginative stories they concoct online. Plus, cyber sex can benefit the non-participating partner, too. How, you may ask? Men AND women chimed in that they sometimes become so aroused from cyber sex that their real-life partner receives the heavenly fruit of their labor. The cyber world can be an enticing arena in which one can lose inhibitions and even learn new tricks to share with their beloved. Still, some took the following black-and-white approach: "cheating can't be done with the body, only the heart." Hmmm....

If you're going to participate in cyber sex, create guidelines with your partner first. How does he/she feel about this practice? What are your intentions? If you are trying to fill a void in your relationship, discuss it with one another first! COMMUNICATION! COMMUNICATION! COMMUNICATION! Why not try having cyber sex with your own partner (Hey! It actually works for some people.)? Whatever you do, set explicit guidelines and know your priorities.

My job is to be a mediator, a catalyst for the varying opinions I receive every week. So, while cyber sex can be fun, flirtatious, and a temporary end to a means, I must also encourage you to procede with caution. Is cyber sex cheating? I don't know. But one thing I do know is that gray areas can be conducive to slippery slopes. Where do you draw the line? Would you stop yourself if you actually met your online paramour in person? Ah-ah, don't answer just yet. Sleep on it. As always, I remain...

Devotedly yours,

Carmen Sutra

- The Great Sexpectations Newsletter -
© Copyright 2001 by Pulse Direct, Inc. All rights reserved.
Reprinted by permission.

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